Go get a Big Fat Chicken Taco from del Taco!
This is the best episode of 1,000lb Sisters the podcast has ever covered.
Before we get into it, Ace and Katelyn are going to break up over potty-training. Ace had a bad reaction to his Crunch Cookie M&Ms and had to go on a Puke, Pray, Love sojourn in the Arizona desert. He filmed it so Katelyn knew he wasn’t being dramatic, but she didn’t need the evidence.
It is embarrassing to set off the alarm in a store, but somehow even more embarrassing to push a bum shopping cart around. Getting out of your car in the parking lot when someone is next to you? Ugh, just kill me.
Also embarrassing is Tammy’s choice of hair color. It’s giving Aurora shooter. But, she got her trach out! TamTam is getting ready to return to her redneck riviera, but before she does, we check into her double-room with Caleb. Tammy is ready for some privacy; in this place, someone is always stopping into the room and she’s over it. We don’t think these two are having sex, but maybe they’re trying something else?
Caleb is a little bossy. The nurse comes in to get him dressed, and he’s like “You know the drill.” Excuse me? How about a thank you, sir? His fupa is the lowest one we’ve ever seen. We have a theory that Tammy is done with Caleb, and that’s why she’s ready to get out of dodge. She knows she has some time before he’ll make it home from the rehab center, and can deal with the break-up then (well, Tammy–the future holds a different path for you, but we think you’ll be just as happy).
Tammy pretends to be sad that Caleb can’t leave the rehab center, yet. As bad as it is to say, we wonder if Tammy was kind of relieved when Caleb died, so she didn’t have to deal with the drama of a divorce. She got the wedding, she got the “love story,” and no one can throw a quickie divorce in her face.
Greg Yeager is taking family photos for Amy, and the matching red and black outfits are…a choice. Baby Greg is not a cute baby, but Gage is pretty cute. They’re running around causing mayhem, and Greg is doing his best. Michael is just sitting there like an idiot. Amy is done with Michael. We know we are getting close to the big fight with Amanda, and we can’t wait!
Amy is extremely overwhelmed, and we get the feeling that her family isn’t very nice to her. It’s easier to just be a single parent with someone as useless as Michael than it is to have a third person to take care of, so we get her frustration–but also, Amy seems like the kind of person who would find something to be overwhelmed by regardless.
Amy is wearing some hot-ass leggings that lace all the way up the front and back. Ace ordered a pair in pink, and he can’t wait to seduce Katelyn in them, since legguns are her favorite.
Back at Amanda’s house, which she’s letting Tammy live in, we get a view of the trash-bag looking satin sheets on the bed and fantasize about the role playing Amanda must do in the bedroom. Chris puts on his toolbelt, and is excited to get to work making sure the house is ready for Tammi (provided the ramp he builds will hold–his words, not ours!) Chris says their family dinners are going to get a lot cheaper when they’re all skinny bitches.
Millennial Song Interruption #1: “Chasing Cars” (Snow Patrol)
Chris is worried Tammy will get depressed without Caleb, but little does he know she couldn’t give a shit. She’ll probably milk it for attention, but in her heart–TamTam was born to run [roll] free.
The family is on their way to get Tammy! Brittany shows up at the rehab in another Christian tee. Chris marvels at how small Tammy looks. She’s 300 pounds down! Caleb comes to say goodbye. Do we think she sees Caleb alive at least once before he dies? Ace thinks no. There is a very dramatic goodbye, like these two are on the Titanic. Katelyn has never seen Titanic!
Millennial Song Interruption #2: “Hide and Seek” (Imogen Heap)
Caleb writes Tammy a poem:
“Sunflower, sunflower
God planted you as a seed in a field of many
But you–you were meant for me.
Sunflower, sunflower
In fields full of green
Representing the life that you have breathed inside of your king.”
They’re acting like Caleb is going to war, instead of just needing to lose some weight. Tammy gets a hallway hero walk, usually reserved for kids who beat cancer or organ donors. Ace doesn’t care if he’s 105 and his organs are shit, he’d better get a fucking hero walk. Tammy thanks everyone she’s ever met, and it’s time for Tammy and Caleb’s final goodbye. Tammy STANDS and walks to the car herself! She steps up on an apple box and steps up into the seat herself–fitting for the first time in years!
Brittany ruins the moment when she finds out Chris has lost her snacks somewhere in the mess of luggage and moving boxes. She sits with her arms crossed and a puss face. Brittany is a bitch.
Back at Amanda/Tammy’s house. Amy is stressed, worried she’s going to have to take care of Tammy again. When Tammy arrives, Amanda can’t believe how much loose skin she has. Tammy practically sprints up the ramp with her walker, and Amy is shocked. Baby Gage is on a mission to take Tammy out. He runs her walker into her, takes her oxygen tank off of her, and Michael is just sitting there like an idiot.
Tammy is trying to get Amamda to finger her trach hole. When Amanda finally does it, Chris scares her and Amanda goes, “You just made me Judy Chop her!” Amy is grossed out, and doesn’t even want to look at the trach hole. Amanda jokes that her good eye was looking at Chris, and the family laughs louder than we’ve ever seen them. Amy gets deeply offended, and freaks out. Everyone is surprised, because Amy is usually the one making fun of herself. Amanda goes in to talk to her, and it turns into a huge fight. Michael is just sitting there like an idiot. Amy leaves and says “Fuck you! Goodbye.”
Tammy is mad–this is supposed to be about HER. She says she wants to go back to Caleb, and we don’t believe her.
Sister Wives S13 E10: Moving Meltdowns
A new reel has Ace even more convinced that Christine is over David Wooley’s shit. We're kind of over all of the Browns in this episode, even Janelle. It’s time for a Brown family scandal–we need an affair or something to come out.
Nathan’s ex-wife was on Reddit stating that the AUB needs to be investigated just as strongly as the FLDS, and we start to question Nathan’s polygamy status after Kody says on this episode that he…isn’t one? Didn’t his second wife leave him when he was still married to Meri’s sister?
We debate when Robyn turned evil, and think it happened after she had been in the family for a while and gained a lot of power. The first B-roll footage in this episode features Ahworara and Breauhwna kicking a soccer ball, not a knee brace in sight. Why don’t these two ever want to be around any other family members? Kody makes Christine cook breakfast for him and The Boyz, and we realize that the last several episodes have featured Christine cooking for Kody–because that's all he liked her for. Remember when he made Christine show Robyn how to cook eggs the way he likes them?
Nathan would do anything for Kody, and it’s pathetic to watch. It makes sense though, because Kody does not want another alpha male around. Again we question, why is it not gay when a man only wants to hang out with other men? And why is Kody grabbing so many different costchumes to take on this Boyz Trip? We get a shot of Michael, Kody’s younger and cooler brother he wishes he was just like. Christine says she wasn’t shy in her attraction to Kody, and Kody replies that it’s not easy for men to make the first move but you “find ways around it.” Robyn, for one, was really turned on that he talked about his other wives, and couldn’t wait to get in there and fuck that up.
It also makes total sense that Kody is taking a trip while everyone else is stressed packing up and putting together the logistics of moving. There’s literally nothing in this for the guys, and Kody is not going to be successful convincing them to move to Flagstaff, too, because it’s too expensive and everyone else has slightly more common sense.
Dawn King brings out the plans for property that only Kody likes, so it’s probably good that nothing in these plans takes the wives’ needs into consideration. Michael asks how each wife gets from their quarters to their respective car in the garage, and thinks Dawn really fucked up this one specific detail. Each wife DOES have their own laundry, even if they can’t have their own kitchen or as much square footage as Robyn. Kody definitely has a plan to outsource each of these house sections to one of Robyn’s children, because they’re NOT designed for the existing wives–except for his and Robyn’s section, of course.
We sort of wish this house had been built, except everyone would have probably stayed in the family knowing they couldn’t get their money back from it. Did he even give Dawn King a budget, or was this all just make-believe? All of the wives are putting it together that Kody’s big surprise is this one house (shut up Robyn, you’re on all the texts with Dawn King). Christine says she’s NOT OPPOSED to this idea (she is, even if this house would feel more like a fairy castle). Kody says he’s hoping the wives like this, and has plans to put the big Christmas tree in his part of the house “for the family.” My ass. You know the minute Truely ran through his section, she’d be kicked to the dog run for the night.
We notice that Robyn has already started her art collection as all of the wives, minus Janelle, begin packing their houses. Audge and Leon tell Meri that Audge’s mom is going to help them pack and move, so Meri is off the hook to come to Chicago. Meri really likes to be needed, and this is torture for her.
Janelle decides the best way to move is just to get rid of everything, and we get it. She says Gabe is very up and down right now, and Gabe flips in the confessional. Honestly, fuck Janelle. She even said at the very beginning she didn’t want to do this to Gabe, and yet she sold him out!
Robyn is the least efficient packer of anyone. She whines that she’s packing every single minute of every day, and then we see her take 30 minutes to hand Ahworara two champagne glasses. Robyn asks Kody to commit to Flagstaff so they don’t have to move again. He says “no can do, babe” and she cries thinking of another family making memories in this house. Whatever, you never let your kids do anything fun to make memories. Gwen makes the comment that she’s just accepted her fate since it doesn’t really matter what anyone else wants aside from Kody, and Kody praises her maturity. Gabe says he’d feel more confident about moving to a new school if he had a motorcycle, and suddenly Ahworara and Ysabel say they want one, too! Ysabel, you can’t sit at the correct angle on a motorcycle, and Ahworara (who ALLEGEDLY has always wanted a motorcycle since she was five) has to wear protective gear to ride her scooter. Gabe makes a dramatic exit, and Kody doesn’t have an ounce of sympathy for this poor, depressed kid. Janelle pisses us off more by blowing it off as Gabe just being a little more emotional than her other kids.
Wow, what an episode. We can’t wait for Robyn’s breakdown next week!
Welcome to Plathville S08 E03: Fish or Cut Bait
We take a deep dive on Plathville side character Taylor, who appears to have prayed the gay away—but not all the way away. According to his Facebook, he was “previously” with a man but now is just on his own—probably because he can’t really be who he wants. This is sad! There’s a Tony for every Mykelti! A bottom for every top! Go find your man and be yourself, Taylor.
Ace and Katelyn have accidentally tainted their children and the nanny’s child with “My Neck, My Back” so maybe they need a little more Jesus in their lives.
Three losers walk into a brewery, and Moriah joins them.
In short:
-We’re surprised Barry breaks his vow of piety to order a cider, and Ethan stares daggers at Micah and Barry for harassing him for being a silent “bump on a log.”
-Montana did Moriah a lot of good, but it didn’t cure her incestuous craving for a brother—just redirected those desires to Ethan.
-Barry says he had a vision of meeting a woman in Montana, and maybe he’ll go out there with her.
-Ethan says he hopes his dad finds somebody good looking, but is worried his dad is only thinking with his “third leg.” Gross. More like a kickstand on a razor scooter.
It’s time to change the energy here, as we catch up with Kaylynn in her Nissan Rogue to talk about the breakup. We want to know what breakup music she’s listening to, as she goes to visit her friend Kim. These two went to nursing school together, and Kim is a… bit older than Kaylynn. We also think they’re two totally different types of nurses, because Kimmy Cat is definitely hitting the Botox and fillers a little hard. Her husband probably made her go work for a cosmetic surgeon so she’d stop running up the costs of turning herself into the Cat Lady.
Ace is very convinced Isaac cheated, which makes this all so much worse— because we find out that Isaac called Kaylynn‘s mom and dad, and expressed his regrets for breaking up with her and asked them to pray for him!? Ew!
This is not what Isaac says, however, when he’s on the peanut farm with his friend Ralph. He says it felt like things were moving too fast. Kaylynn tells Kimmy Cat that marriage is for sure something she wants in the future, but she’s not thinking about it right now. Kimmy Cat, a big Plathville fan, says Isaac is probably just freaked out because of watching all of these bad relationships explode, and proceeds to give a timeline of the last two years of the show.
Isaac says he got bad advice from Mario on the farm, and immediately regretted breaking up with Kaylynn as soon as he did it. Or, as Ace says, as soon as he had post-nut clarity with whoever he cheated on her with. This family cannot take accountability. Every bad thing that happens to them is always someone else’s fault. Kimmy Cat tells Kaylynn she thinks she can do better than Isaac, and Kaylynn says there’s “a lot of trust issues there.” What else could she be talking about, if not cheating? Katelyn doesn’t want to believe Isaac cheated, because he used to be so innocent—but it sure seems like something bigger happened than just a spur of the moment panic about marriage.
We cut back to the farm, and Ethan and the Manson girls start singing “Amazing Grace” for some reason. They sound really good! Mercy and Kim could get a spinoff if they move to the Oakwood apartments and try to make it in LA, but the other two are a little too homely for Hollywood. We just hope Mercy inherited Moriah’s wordy songwriting skills. Everyone wants to know why Ethan is so mopey and he says he just misses Teagan’s honkers. The girls haven’t learned these lyrics yet, so they stick with gospel songs.
At Lydia’s apartment, we find out Kim hasn’t brushed her hair since Barry left. Lydia is going to cut layers in her hair as a bonding experience, and this experience ends with Kim’s hair looking a lot like one of Amanda Bynes’ wigs during her mental break. Lydia does a salon act-out and we know exactly what her sex life with Zach is like—lots of role playing when the Lord isn’t looking. Zach and Lydia are the best married people to ever be married. They are PERFECT. Just ask them! And Zach DEFINITELY loves Lydia throwing him in the sex swing every night at 10:01. He’s not scared of Nighttime Lydia at ALL.
Lydia says she thinks Isaac did the right thing dumping Kaylynn. Shut up Lydia! We see a flashback of Kim telling the girls she was dating Ken, and are glad to see the entire family has laid down their eyeliner pencils. Kim tells Lydia that she felt like she was rejecting her Harbor Hoe lifestyle, and Lydia is SHOCKED that ANYONE would find her to be judgmental, even though she totally was. In a conversation with production, Lydia shuts down and they ask what’s going on. She replies that Zach can put her thoughts into words better than she can. OK, BITCH. Do not do this. Lydia cuts exactly two layers into Kim’s hair with Zach’s costume scissors, and Kim loves it.
We need a spin-off show for Georgio’s. Barry and Zach go there for their date, and Taylor joins once his shift ends. These two allegedly are going to be Barry’s wingmen, and we aren’t sure that’s going to result in what ol’ Bare wants. Zach promises he knows every song in “Annie” to win the ladies over, and Taylor promises that they’ll find him a good man. WOMAN. They suggest going to an axe throwing place to meet some ladies, and Barry suggests a sauna—but it has to be out of town, because he’s not allowed in the ones in Tallahassee anymore.
Lydia and Kim enter the scene. Taylor compliments Kim’s two layers, and she is ecstatic. Zach immediately throws Kim under the bus and says Barry has dinner with them every Sunday, but Kim never comes over unless she needs something (like getting shitty layers put in her hair), and that maybe if Kim started coming to 9:30PM dinners, Lydia would be forced to leave Zach alone once in a while. Lydia adds to the pile-on by talking about Barry dating, and Kim goes a little red. We wonder how much of a sex life Kim and KKKen actually have. Kim wants to know if she should be concerned that “guys night” coincides with Barry dating, and she is TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING. We already know about the kitten heels and mumus, so what could it be?!
This show is so fucking good, this season.
Apologies to :
-Everyone who has prayed the gay away
-Taylor and his Facebook
-Georgio’s, for thinking you only had mozzarella sticks
-Lydia for ending your cosmetology career before it began
-Moriah for shaming your incestuous thoughts
-Micah, for flip flopping on your cowboy hat
-Kimmy Cat, and your Botox skills
-Nissan Rogue owners
-Everyone that loves a Sunday Rootbeer Float and America’s Got Talent night
-Zach, for making fun of your community theatre career, and not getting the role of Annie
-For always coming for you, Cassia (also for all the eye jokes)
-Apologies to Father, and all the religious trashbags
-Zach, for once thinking you were gay
-Joe Rogan, for saying Zach was you
-to Kaylynn’s Mumma and Daddee
-Never an apology to Ken or Ethan
Don’t worry, AK and Amanda will take shifts driving us all to hell!
Unexpected S07 E09: Your Growing Baby
These kids may be out here testing our patience as parents daily, but none of us are as bad of a parent as Nicole!
Mama G went on Instagram live, and Katelyn confirmed that she was a hair dresser (despite Amaya’s wig choices). Someone else asked how much they got paid to film, and Mama G said she makes more doing hair in one month than she made filming for ten months. We hope that TLC pays the moms better! There’s a lot happening in this house, with Amaya bumping loud music under her Euphoria lights while Samuel Lebron James Michael Jordan Rigatoni Butternut Squash allegedly is sleeping, but then he comes out to take a sip of Mama G’s [sugar free] root beer, so maybe he isn’t sleeping?? Best of all, Mama G said she totally fucks with AK and Tasha, which TRACKS! We love this trio! Give them a spin-off where they roll up in AK’s bus and confront shitty parents who are bad to their kids (looking at you, Nicole!).
This episode…ooh man. If Mr. Keith ran over Nicole with his car, we’d post bail. The producers did an excellent job keeping a Nicole tracker on the screen the entire episode, and this bitch is gone for 11 hours despite knowing the baby is coming. Keith is livid he didn’t go back into the C-Section room with Jessie and Mia, since AK didn’t make it back from her bus round in time either. Nicole has a million excuses as to where she was, but it’s pretty obvious she left to go get high. In a confessional with Mia and Nicole, Mia states that she put her mom’s feelings over everyone else’s and in the end was let down. Nicole says she hopes Oakleigh doesn’t grow up to be as disrespectful as Mia, and WE hope this bitch disappears and is never seen again.
Jessie is manhanding baby Oakleigh, doing backflips and sniffing her butt for a poop check, and despite worrying for the baby’s neck and head, it is nice to see a real dad being engaged with his baby instead of being terrified or apathetic, like most of the other boys on this show. These two are going to be alright, especially if Nicole stays far away from them.
There are more developments in the Haley Beck case. She texted this kid to stop talking to the older teacher, because she was too old for him and at least [Haley] was closer to his age. They apparently identified the older teacher through a tattoo on her thigh in a spicy video sent to him–EW. Also, the boy’s parents didn’t want to go to court or have charges brought up because they didn’t want anything to interfere in his college plans or mess up scholarship opportunities–we think the ex-girlfriend turned them in!
Amaya and Jose are mid-fight at the Rex Center, and Jose tells Amaya he didn’t have any fun because she didn’t try the other go-kart or come with him. Amaya is pissed, and doesn’t think he understands. Jose says he does understand, and Amaya is like, “Are you talking about the mini horse?” and describes a time Jose wanted to ride this horse that was limping. What is happening?
Mama G picks these two up, and is also mad at Jose. He isn’t pushing the stroller right, he isn’t lifting it off the curb correctly, he isn’t attending to Samuel Lebron James Michael Jordan Rigatoni Butternut Squash well enough–nothing this kid does right now is good enough for either of them.
We find ourselves at Yak Fitness (ok?) and meet Amaya’s new trainer, Caroline, who seems like a bitch. She is definitely grossed out by Mama G and Amaya’s lifestyle and doesn’t hide it well. Amaya admits she’s not very active, but then we find out she was a majorette! Not only was she a majorette, she was only one of two girls that could do the splits, and apparently the crowd would go wild every time she did them. We’re happy for her–but in the footage we see, our girl is like two beats behind everyone else in their dance steps, so it’s probably a good thing she had a special skill. Amaya says she’s going to do what the trainer says because she doesn’t want her to be mean to her. Mama G asks why she thinks Caroline would be mean, and Amaya says “What blonde skinny gym girl has ever been nice?” and they both crack up. Mama G says they need to clean out the kitchen because Amaya has no self control, and then they both end up blaming Jose for everything, again, because he likes to bring food home from work and feed her.
Isabella and Bryce Pee-Pee Peebird Palmer have been broken up for two weeks. Sue says she can't believe Isabella would hurt THEM like this–because it’s all about Sexy Legs Sue and PawPaw Domestic Terrorist Palmer. They think a father deserves to be in the delivery room, especially a father like THE Bryce Palmer. Whatever! THE Bryce Palmer doesn’t even want to be there, he’s happier to play the victim [badly]. You know he’d act like a piece of shit in the delivery room, even if he was invited.
Sexy Legs Sue texts Tasha and asks if THE Bryce Palmer can be there; Tasha says NO. She tells Sue she needs to stop wiping Bryce’s ass, and Sue tells her to stop threatening her. Tasha replies, “If you’re feeling froggy [adjective /ˈfrôɡē/ : jumpy; looking to start something] come on up to the hospital” (Thank you, Urban Dictionary). Tasha can kick Sue's ass and help her daughter before her probation officer even shows up, easily. Tasha and Isabella are gung-ho to go get a restraining order, because Sexy Legs Sue, PawPaw Domestic Terrorist Palmer, and THE Bryce Palmer would never contest it, as showing up to court means THE Bryce Palmer would have to pay child support.
PawPaw Domestic Terrorist Palmer yells, “Brewhas! Witches!” Sue starts to cry because THE Bryce Palmer just wants to be a dad to his daughter because he knows what it's like to not have a father, AND it’s SUE’S first GRANDBABY!!! Tasha is ready to go to jail again, and says to get the bail money ready because she is fixin’ to “whoop Sue’s old ass, and Connie’s dumbass too!” Put that slogan on AK’s Avenger Bus!
Queen Tasha!! We bet everyone in jail loves her just as much as we do.
Time to check in with Bella, who is with Fallon and Wesley to get a pregnancy test. Hunter is texting Tasha to “HURRY!!!” and we can’t figure out why she’s the one he’s texting and not Bella. We also get confirmation that Hunter is living with Fallon and Chris, which seems… illegal. Has anyone figured out what’s going on with Stacey? Is it drugs or does she have a processing disorder, or something?
Bella is crying inside the store about being a mother of two at 15, until she realizes she’d be 16 when the next one is born, and cheers up like that fact matters when she’s SLEEPING WITH AN EIGHTH GRADER. Once back in the car, Fallon has a conversation with her about condoms. Apparently Hunter went through THREE the past night?? They’re supposed to tell Fallon when they’re down to five in a box, and Bella starts ticking off how many they’ve used in the last 72 hours. Fallon is like, “I’ll just get another box, SIIIGH.”
Fallon is buying the condoms for them, and allowing them to sleep in the same bed…there are other ways to keep your kids safe than letting them burn through boxes of condoms, you absolute idiot. This is just not the way to talk to your kids and educate them about sex. They arguably just learned the hardest lesson ABOUT sex, and it has not changed a damn thing in your household. Fucking DO SOMETHING.
Chris has threatened to kill Hunter if Bella is pregnant again. Why isn’t he also going for Fallon, who’s helping to orchestrate this? Also, how is Fallon only 39? She’s in the bathroom watching the pregnancy test fill with Pepsi Piss just smiling and laughing, like this is all awesome and hilarious. Fallon, your own child’s piss is brown! You can’t even take care of Bella, let alone another grandbaby–and you’re always bitching about having to do everything for this one, as it is!
I hope AK, Tasha, and Mama G’s first stop bustin’ heads around the country is in Arkansas. Fallon needs an intervention.
In the Can: The Prophet and the Awful Disgusting White Leather Coat!The Fanning kids finally all legally exist! Ace is in his “I could do that” era, and shit is getting accomplished.
We watched “The False Prophet” and have nothing but respect for THIS Christine, retracting every joke we made about her during our Sister Wives rewatch. Somehow this schlub Sam Bateman convinced three families he was the new prophet, and his ego is his downfall as he begs Tolga and Christine to document his life. Tolga and Christine are INCREDIBLE actors around this idiot, and he loves every second of their attention.
We can’t figure out how the adults who are told to sign their daughters away to a grown man don’t get a little tingle that SOMETHING IS WRONG. The brainwashing runs deep, but you know what might be the worst crime of Sam Bateman? That stupid white leather jacket. Sam is a piece of shit, and these girls are enamored with him because their religion has convinced them they can’t get to heaven without him. Obviously this guy is an abusive piece of shit, and he is literally pimping underage girls out to other men in the community. The local police are just like, “eh it’s not enough. Call us when you get something more important than the abuse of a dozen women on camera.”
Tolga and Christine go to the FBI, and while this agent may look like Janelle, she is a much harder worker than our girl. Janelle doesn’t have FBI energy; she has Arizona DCS energy. Speaking of which, the VINDICATION Ace and Katelyn had seeing how badly Arizona DCS dropped the ball with the Bateman case was RILL. Fuck DCS.
Julia, mother to many of the girls given to Sam, starts to confront the truth and we have a lot of empathy for her struggle with this—because in this cult, if you confront one lie, you kind of have to confront the entire lie you’ve been living. Julia begins to work with Christine to bring Sam down without telling anyone, including her husband (the guy who gave their daughters away. Fuck that guy, too).
Sam is finally apprehended when he was speeding down the freeway with a bunch of women and children in a trailer. Pedestrians saw HANDS because they were holding the doors shut! They all could have died! Sam is a meek little mouse around Arizona PD, and Julia saves the day by getting the officer who arrested him’s information for the FBI, so that they can be clued in that there’s an active investigation into this schlub.
The FBI conducts an 8AM raid, and take all of the underage girls to an Arizona DCS group home, which…honestly, is not that much of an improvement over their previous conditions. Sam has plenty of money on his books, so he video calls his 18+ wives all day every day. Two of his wives, Naomi and Moretta, go and pick up the girls off the side of the road near the group home. Killing it, DCS. They take them to an AirBNB to lay low–but then come back to one of their houses in Colorado City?! Naomi takes off and runs into the mountains. That girl is FAST. She turns herself in the next day, and serves a few months in jail–which we disagree with. Like yeah, she ran from the cops, but she’s brainwashed. They accidentally put Naomi in a cell next to Sam, and this is what makes Naomi wake up and realize he’s a liar and an idiot (did anyone else cheer when Naomi walked into frame in PANTS and sat in the empty interview seat?!)
Julia finally speaks up to her husband Moroni, and he agrees this has all been harmful to their daughters and that Sam is a false prophet. He goes to the FBI and confesses everything, despite it earning him twenty years in prison. The other two men get 50 years and life, respectively, because they were the ones who had sex with the underage girls Sam “gave” them…but then why didn’t Sam get life, because he was having sex with all of the girls, as well?
AZDCS fucks up again, by revealing that Christine was the mole, and she’s pushed to the outside again. However, a few of them have come around and realized she saved them. A few of Sam’s wives are also in prison right now, and won’t give up the idea that he is their prophet, which is sad. At the end of the episode, Julia is still in her FLDS costchume, and that makes us sad.
There is a development in the Duggar situation. Kendra’s family made a statement:
"Our family is both troubled and heartbroken over the alleged actions committed by our son-in-law. We are devastated for the young girl, a child who was courageous in every way to share her truth. We stand by her, both in support and prayer, and forever will. Our love for this child remains at the forefront of our family’s priorities and minds. We are proud of her for being strong enough to share her story while also retaining her own identity and joy. We also recognize how traumatic this incident has been for our grandchildren as well and continue to pray for their strength. Our love for them, and our daughter Kendra, remains. The only way to freedom is to shine light in the darkness. And in this time, part of the light in our lives has come through the outpouring of love and prayer from people near and far. Thank you who have given in all the ways, through prayer, finances, time, energy and words of encouragement. We love you all."
A friend of the family also made a post on social media informing us that Joe Duggar kicked the Caldwells out of their house (they were renting from Joseph and Kendra) and turned off the water and electricity, despite them having young children. She begs for Kendra to leave her “pedophile husband” and calls out Jim Bob and Michelle for enabling their shitty sons’ behavior. We know that Kendra is brainwashed, but her family is reaching out and saying they’ll help her–why isn’t she taking the help?
This is a heavy sexual abuse episode, because we also have another Haley Beck update. There is a video a kid has from his graduation party, where she’s in the background–her only friends really were kids. Other teachers, and the principal, were also aware of some of what was going on–and apparently she had gotten in trouble before for crossing lines. All of these people are mandated reporters; how did the police not get called by a staff member? Someone close to Angie Burlak, the other teacher, says she and her husband are still together and he’s sticking with her. Genuinely don’t understand that choice, but ok.
“The Predator of Seville” is fucked up. The narrator is a younger Christine, and she takes this case and blows it up. This guy works for the study abroad company with all of these girls who are reporting abuse, and one girl dies. No spoilers–just watch it!
Taylor Franke Paul will not be charged for domestic violence. We are happy(?) about this? She needs help, but Dakota is just as guilty of being a shitbag, and we don’t believe he recorded anything for his own safety–he recorded to try to take her down.
Lisa Hochstein and Jody were arrested! She got glammed up to spend 8 hours in solitary confinement, allegedly for bugging Lenny’s car. But Lenny bugged her car, too! This is all stupid. Lenny, in their divorce agreement, did not build her a $12 million dollar house on the water AS PROMISED, so he’s a piece of shit.
Amanda and West continue to suck. If he’s really trying to get Ciara back, why hook up with other women around her? Amanda is jealous watching this happen, and says she’s going to break it up “for Ciara’s sake.” Biiiiiiiitch. He was hooking up with Amanda this entire time, you can tell. He is a slimy fuckboy. He hurt Ciara, he hurt Katelyn, he hurt ALL OF US. He’s going to fuck up Amanda’s life. We can’t wait for the reunion, because Mia is going to come for him.
The Del Taco Big Fat Chicken Tacos are back! This is a sign that the world is helun’.
The trailer for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion dropped, and it looks pretty good. Fingers crossed!
Alex Cooper and Alix Earl are fighting and you’re telling me that these are two different people? (This is Layne’s commentary, not Ace’s. We know Alex Cooper won him over in her documentary).
Go get a Big Fat Chicken Taco and enjoy your weekend! Splish Splash!
Layne Bair
Lead journalist at Shit Talk
