1,000lb Sisters S04 E010: Apple of My Eye

The Fannings are entering potty training territory, and just in time before they get busted for their illegal diaper ring at Target!

Our friend who had hemorrhoid surgery had to upgrade from hotdogs to frozen brats in her booty, but she is healun’. We want to write the doctors notes for this aftercare: do NOT insert the dog! For cheeks ONLY.

This episode made Katelyn cry, and Ace sweat. Why did everyone have a blanket on?

Chris and Brittany have matching red and black buffalo plaid attire on for their first wedding lewk. Amanda seems to think a light pink is her color. Katelyn correctly states that it’s nobody’s color. Ace really wants to see her boob tat. Amanda is keeping things positive, saying “seems like only yesterday we were driving up here to sign a DNR. Now we’re here for a wedding!”

Christopher is in a three piece suit, and has cleaned up real nice. All the siblings are asking if Amanda will object; Misty says she’s going to stand up and say she’s carrying his baby. She is a side sniper of funny, that Misty.

We do not like Amy’s blue hair. However, when Tammi stood up to hug Amanda America cheered. That bitch Darleen is a no-show, of course. It’s too windy to get married outside, so we’re getting hitched in the dining room. The family asks Tammi if she’s pregnant, and we don’t think they have to worry about this. There’s no way these two are having sex, at least at this point. Can Caleb even see his own dick? Chris is glad she’s saved them the hass-ache (hassle + headache). Amanda asks if they rub trachs, and Amy says “that’s foreplay, baby.” We really wanted Amanda to deepen her questions as to how these two are sexual.

Poor Baby Greg is not a cute kid. Caleb’s eyes give Ace the creeps, but we don’t think he killed anyone in his lifetime. SIP. Amy gets one more threat in before the wedding. She wants to know what’s in it for Caleb, to marry Tammy. Ace and Katelyn look up Tammy’s net worth and it’s approximately 100K (Amy’s is 250K). Caleb brings up having kids again and Amy tells him to pump the brakes; Tammy and he can’t even take care of themselves, how is she going to take care of a baby right now? She also tells him that Tammy said they don’t rub trachs, and Caleb gets one funny: “A man never trachs and tells.”

Misty asks why he proposed so fast; “were you worried she’d roll away?” Ace wants to go on a girls trip with Misty and Amanda.

Amy went to Hobby lobby and acquired the finest of decor for the wedding. Each table is decked out with a plastic tablecloth and fall decor, like trucks with pumpkins in the back and… More pumpkins. Amy is screaming for help, but no one is coming. Is it drugged? Is it postpartum depression? Is it that she’s totally done with Michael? Is it all three?

In the groom’s room, his amazing nurses can’t get the pants to fit. They see him shutting down over it, and immediately intervene that pants are the least important detail in a wedding. They really are his family—because none of his family has come to this wedding. Katie is a problem solver. She borrows clothes from a few bigger residents who dress well, and the day is saved.

Tammy is oddly calm and kind the entire time she’s getting dressed, even when Amy loses her cool over messing up her tiara. Tammy looks good, for Tammy! She’s moving and dancing a little in this dress, and we realize how far she’s come.

Tammy starts to get the pteromadactyls in her tummy a few minutes before the wedding, and Chris comes in and says “looking good, kid.” Sometimes Chris has his moments. Brittany remains silent, and completely buttoned up to stay modest. Caleb is a wet blanket, just like Brittany—but he’s a “shut down” person.

Caleb says his heart is exploding when he sees Tammy coming down the aisle, and we all panic. The ceremony ends with them saying “There’s nothing left to it, but to do it” which—okay. When it’s time for the kiss, Tammy pops up out of her wheelchair. It was not as nasty as we were all hoping, but Caleb gives us a nice, inspirational piece:

“How many times have we planned bingo in this room? How many times have we breathed this air? And now it seems like just forever; like every single second, time stopped.”

Tammy is on a highly reinforced cloud nine. It’s cake time! They smash it in each other's faces and he decides he’s going to eat his cake off of her cake. The officiant is now the DJ (why couldn’t they play music for the ceremony?) and he doesn’t know shit about anyone in this room.

Now, we have heard a lot of wedding speeches in our life, but we’ve never heard of someone farting during their speech—until Amy.

Everyone is on the dance floor, and Tammy and Caleb reach arms toward each other from their wheelchairs. Amanda grinds on Chris and Brittany has to perform thirty Hail Marys. Amanda then gives a lap dance to a married man. As Ace has always known—Amanda can fuuuuck.

Caleb says he’s going to dick Tammy down like a husband should in their new double wide room, but we don’t actually think they ever had sex…right? Would the nurses help? A man who can’t get his own pants on without help surely can’t fuck without help (we assume).

Happy wedding day. Tammy and Caleb! SIP.

Sister Wives S13 E09: Kody’s Secret Plan PART TWO

Maddie Bush Brown Bush’s oven has exploded! Did these two build their house on native burial grounds, or something? We are stressed for her, and hope this isn’t a sign for the fate of Taeda Farms. Also, how long are time capsules supposed to be buried? Definitely more than 5 years, RAHBYN.

Kody is wearing a Bob’s Floral original, and we’re glad he supported his son at least once in his miserable life. This man loves a costchume, between his belt clips, gloves, and dumbass sunnies. Kody is losing his will to live, living with Christine. She’s trying to turn digging up a stupid time capsule into a professional archaeological dig. The Browns actually made some smart decisions when burying this capsule, because they glued it to make it water-tight.

Katelyn makes her case for black leggings, and we wonder why we’re taking fashion advice from Ace, whose balls are always hanging out of his shorts. The Trashbags have already revolted over his opinions of the Costco Puma socks; we are not about to surrender our black LEGGUNS.

Kody walks like he’s in Game of Thrones, and all he’s doing is going to his wife’s house. He also speaks so condescendingly to Christine, and they just start digging willy-nilly. Robyn shows up 20 minutes later with the printed out coordinates. Of course this bitch is wastefully printing with colored ink! Janelle would NEVER.

Ace breaks his own rule to not come for Dayton, because this kid’s posture is annoying. And the rat tail is even worse. Christine won’t STFU and Kody is ready to put her in one of the extra holes. Truly hit every single annoying kid phase, and isn’t helping Christine’s case for Kody spending more time with them.

Ace declares that V-necks are disturbing on men, especially himself and Tony Padron. More or less offensive than black legguns? We aren’t sure.

Luckily Gabe finds the time capsule, Paedon digs it up, and Kody takes all the credit. Truly is in the way, and Gabe has to yank her back so we can actually see. Mykelty put a stripper heel in the capsule, because she is FASHUN. Mindy Jugs is here! She’s wearing a sexy maroon top, and Paedon is wet. Savannah showed off her Christine Brown education with a poorly written note. Truly put in a Dora purse she couldn’t remember. Robyn and Kody buried Salmonella a special watch that wasn’t his; Salmonella gets to be the little Brown Prince with something special.

Robyn made everyone write affirmations/manifestations. Kody’s don’t happen—their houses aren’t paid off and they didn’t get the laws changed for the better in Utah. Neither do most of the kids! Paedon isn’t going to college on a lacrosse scholarship and Ysabel isn’t an Olympic gymnast. Christine’s only hope for Gwyn was that she was driving and more calm. Welp!

Meri wrote that her marriage would be on the right track, and that Christine would have more trust with her—and that she and Robyn would be BFFs. Nothing worked out for Meri. She had placed her original Coolada ring into the time capsule.

Before everyone leaves, Kody announces they’ll be moving in three weeks instead of the next day, because of complications with Christine’s house selling. Too much gymnastics equipment for Gwynn’s career, obviously.

We have to take a dark turn to Ysabel’s spinal angles. Last time we checked it she was at 40 degrees. She’s been doing her exercises every day and is feeling confident. Ysabel is scared to get surgery because of some fake cousin Kody made up who said it was the worst decision of her life. She is also worried everyone will be disappointed in her for…not healing her own spine.

Creepy Dr Camp comments that Ysabel’s gotten prettier, despite her spine not getting straighter—because it’s now at 44 degrees. This is too much for an Olympic hopeful. Christine misunderstands what Dr. Camp says about estimates and thinks that means things have gotten better! Oof.

Christine decides it’s time to finally talk to Aspyn about everything. Aspyn says that yes, they do plan to move to Utah—and that she didn’t expect her family to move even farther away, checking zero boxes on their list of qualities for a new city. Christine apologizes for making Aspyn feel abandoned. Aspyn always assumed they’d eventually all move back to Utah, and Christine says that’s just not possible, and Flagstaff “feels like home already,” despite saying the exact opposite and then fucking off to UTAH YEARS LATER. Aspyn’s plan for them to wait until the triplets graduate to make a move is much more logical, but Christine can’t hear her because she’s miserable—like all of the adults—and people who are unhappy do this kind of shit constantly. And since we know what happens, this makes perfect sense!

Welcome to Plathville S08 E02: You Catch More Flies With Honey

If you are only listening to Plathville on the public feed, you are a lewseeeer!!! We open this episode talking about the Haley Beck of it all.

Did everyone realize the teen was ALSO sleeping with an older teacher in the same building?!? Also, Ace and Katelyn want to make sure everyone knows this was NOT their high school. Regardless of what else happens, nothing can be more embarrassing than the text messages getting leaked (just kidding, everything about this is bad).

She is GROVELING for this teenager’s attention and it’s humiliating; he even calls her out on the fact that she has a cop boyfriend! Ace has a theory that she’s attention-seeking because her brother is a semi-famous TikTokker. Her parents are also legacy teachers, which can sometimes offer protections in smaller areas. Apparently her brother also has a TikTok video where he calls her out for being friends with her students, and Haley says “but they’re nice to me!” Another friend described in as a “cult following of high school boys,” so she clearly basked in this attention. But this kid is MEAN to her, and definitely spent the entire time they “dated” extorting her for money. She is gross and pathetic.

We love that these texts are public, and also love that Kendra and Joe Duggar’s phone calls in jail are public! We discovered from them that part of her charges came from the fact that their kids were never enrolled in any kind of school. We can’t figure out why she is still so loving and forgiving of him, knowing that his victim was her little sister. He ADMITTED his crime, and she still can’t accept this contradictory view of her husband. We want to know how her family even handled the crime/sister’s confession, being of the same ilk as the Duggars. Kendra has to be doing some crazy mental gymnastics to make this work in her mind.

Quick interruption to make sure everyone has seen the photo of Areola from Easter Sunday, where she is two feet taller than the other kids at the egg hunt? Did Robyn hold her back and make her compete with the four and five year olds?

Speaking of Sister Wives, praise to Kaitlyn for photoshopping Ysabel’s face onto Mikayla Skinner and uploading the episode while Ace slept! A Perfect 10 from the Trashbag Judges.

Unexpected S07 E08: Healthy Weight Gain

We have some Bella updates, as she and her sister Shrek took pregnancy tests on TikTok live to prove neither of them is pregnant a second time (Bella’s test cup was pretty obvious, with her iced tea colored piss–someone needs to buy this girl a Hydroflask).

There are updates to the Haley Beck case, as allegedly a video exists of her and this student doing illegal things. Again, how are people this stupid? You’re stupid for engaging in this with a minor and you’re even more stupid if you filmed it.

Also updates in Taylor Franke Paul’s court proceedings, as she has successfully filed charges against Dakota for domestic abuse as well. Somehow he still gets to keep custody of their son, and she only gets eight hours of supervised visits per week–stemming from the charges filed against her, where she allegedly hit him while he was holding Ever. This is sad all around.

Onto happier things–we still love Mia, Jessie, and Mr. Keith. We don’t love his weird-ass body, but you know what? Who cares. Mr. Keith is driving them to the induction, because these women can’t stop fighting. For the first time we see Mr. Keith laugh, and it’s after he asks, “How many people driving right now are on their way to get an induction? Not many!!” We don’t even know what’s funny about that.

Because Jessie and Mia are minors, they can BOTH have a guardian in the delivery room–so both moms get to be there, if they behave themselves. Mr. Keith will take them out back and spank them both if they can’t quit fighting. AK-47 says she’ll keep the peace, even if inside she wants to beat Nicole’s ass.

You know whose piss isn’t iced tea brown like Bella’s? Mia’s, because she’s got herself a 100oz Polar Pop. We hope it’s full of water, at least! The trio head into the hospital, and it definitely seems like Jessie and Mr. Keith have gotten closer, which we love to see. They even get a talking head together, where they try to estimate ten centimeters. Mia invites Jessie to sleep on the bed with her, which is extremely generous for a person in labor. Somehow AK-47 and Nicole both end up sleeping on the pullout bed together.

Mia is finally ready for her epidural. That’s a scary moment, so thank god Nicole was there to make it as scary as possible for her. Nothing really happens overnight, and Mia stays at four centimeters dilated, so AK-47 decides she can take a shift driving the bus and make it back in time for the main event. They check Mia in the morning, and she's only progressed to six centimeters. They decide they need to perform an emergency C-section, and AK is on her way back in the school bus (we hope). Nicole is nowhere to be found. Mia asks Keith to come in the room with her, and he doesn’t want to scrub in and not be able to switch if Nicole shows up. Five minutes to go, and no one knows where Nicole is. They wheel Mia out and we say fuck Nicole! Scrub in, Keith!

Potty training in the Fanning household is…going. One kid is peeing and one is pooping, but neither is doing both. We’re only a couple of days in, though!

Amaya and Jose are going to go on a date for the first time since Samuel Lebron James Michael Jordan Rigatoni Butternut Squash arrived seven weeks ago. These two talk about focusing on their relationship like they’ve been married for thirty years. Amaya is struggling with her weight, and old clothes not fitting. Jose is very into Amaya’s body, which is refreshing to see. Mama G is so sweet to her about all of this, as well, and reminds her that she created and carried life and should be proud of her body. They go to the rec center, and Amaya is self-conscious that people are staring at her. Jose wants to ride the gokarts, and Amaya is nervous she won’t fit because of an incident on a rollercoaster before she had SLJMJRBS. She ends up being correct, and she’s humiliated. Jose wheels off, and Amaya goes to the bathroom to cry and call Mama G. She said “I knew she was the only one who would understand.” Mama G replies, “Because I’m fat?” “NO–because you’re my mom.” Crying just retyping this, because we would die for Amaya (unless she’s in that Nutty Professor wig).

Isabella and Bryce Pawpaw Palmer are donezo. For now. Isabella is going to get induced, and she’s nervous about the cervical checks hurting–but more nervous about the butt swabbing. Bryce is texting her with obnoxious texts, and Bella is giving him shit right back. Tasha comes in and is a real Negative Nancy. Isabella begins to cry, and Tasha tells her she’s there to support her and the baby and she doesn’t need Bryce or any other man.

We go to Bryce, and he tells us he is much better off without Isabella–but he wants to be there for the birth. He threatens to call every hospital every day to find out if it’s happening, and Tasha welcomes him getting himself arrested.

Finally in Arkansas, we find out that Hunter has been going to school every day since Wes was born (three days ago). Falon is very focused on Bella making the cheer team, after getting her staples out. Falon asks Bella how she plans to pump at high school, which is a valid question. We find out that Falon quit her job to take care of Wes, and probably also Hunter.

We do not get this family. Falon is on social media saying Hunter is like her son, she’s not in love with him. They’re all defending the relationship and letting him shower with Bella in the last episode because he was “helping her.”

They’re on their way to the grocery store, and Hunter starts texting Falon asking if Bella is pregnant. Bella seems completely unbothered. As we are sitting in the interview, Hunter rips ass and Falon can’t stop laughing. This is not helping her case that she isn’t completely in love with Hunter. Falon asks Bella why she would think she’s pregnant, and how long they waited to start having sex after giving birth–the answer is FOUR DAYS. How does that even happen, and WHY is Falon just rolling her eyes like she can’t do anything? Not only is it stupid but it’s also so dangerous; where is the parenting in this situation?

THIS WEEK IN THE CAN: Amputees, Missing Hooker, Predatory Peoria Teachers, and All Things Bravo!

Suzy Fanning is here to give some financial advice and Scamanda your way to free car washes!

WE TV has a new show “This is Poly” that looks like absolute trash, and we are here for it! Speaking of poly relationships, Aspyn Ovard is in a relationship with a husband and wife.

Dayton James Webber, the amputee murderer, had quite the social media influence—WITH GUNS! And apparently he shot his victim while he was driving?! What a waste of skills, to now spend the rest of his life in prison.

Ace gives more money saving tips through shopping at At Home and choosing the Uber delivery option for $10! The Fannings are on their plant journey, and are NOT going to kill anything.

Ace found someone else on TikTok who gets fixated on car models, and shares a story from high school about his ex-girlfriend and a shitty version of a Mazda. We also debate the ugliness and function of an Aztec.

Update on Haley Beck: the judge demanded that the police need to bring more concrete evidence that she was actually soliciting sex and paying for it (Pandering). The only amount she send this kid over time was $600, which surprised us. The older teacher, Angela Berlaka, was charged with furnishing obscene material to a minor—but NOT STATUTORY OR ASSAULT!?

A woman named Lynette Hooker allegedly fell overboard in the Bahamas, and now her husband has been charged with murder. We have a lot of Trashbags who have been around crimes, and it’s fascinating!

Getting caught up with 90 Days:

Forrest is committed to staying in the Philippines with Sheen, and Molly is UNHINGED. How does Dev stay with her? Sheen and Forrest finally fucked and we’re happy for him. Elise is fucking stupid and we hate her. This guy doesn’t want her, he just likes her money. Birkan is an asshole and his hair is all in the wrong spot. We’ve also moved on from Lauren and Michael, and think Lauren is too good for him.

Lisa and Daniel are a mess. We didn’t realize this trip was just a trip to see one another and had no strings attached (beyond her continuing to pay his bills). Daniel refuses to go down on Lisa, and Lisa keeps waking up disappointed. Wick is now going to have a baby with Trisha, despite texting his ex. Okay.

Problems with Jeff Lewis! Oscar, an employee of Sirius FM, calls off of work to go to his grandpa’s funeral. While he was there, Jeff made him the butt of a lot of jokes on air about not wanting to work, etc. When he came back from his leave, Jeff was still ragging on him and he came on air and said “my grief is not your content.” Then at Jeff Lewis Live, he basically tells the story and says he told Oscar, “Fine then we’ll never speak about you again.” Now there’s a meeting with HR.

THEN, Annie (Heather’s former assistant from Juicy Scoop), who was hired by Jeff after the earring fiasco, was reamed for not doing her job when he brought her to New York. She kind of just slid in and acted like she was part of the crew too early so we aren’t sad about this breakup. We don’t want a whole crew of young kids; we miss the old group that was actually friends.

Holy cow, we love Real Housewives of Rhode Island (with the exception of Ashley). She feels like she’s going to be a mess again here, just like on the Bachelor. Rosie feels a little outsidish too, but she seems like she’ll bring some drama.

Kelsey is dating some richy rich guy, who spends six months in Rhode Island and six months in Florida with his other girlfriend. His lawyers don’t want him to be a part of the show, but his dad is the super nice judge who always went viral for his verdicts. SIP.

Our center clam is Liz, who looks like a rougher Dolores. She married her distant cousin and everyone is cheating! Nosy Rosie is also being cheated on, and it’s all just so damn good. Go get caught up!

In Summer House news, cameras are going back up! We also find out West had ANOTHER serious girlfriend during the Amanda stuff! Rewatching old episodes is rough, especially seeing how bad Kyle has gotten.

The Valley: Jessie’s girlfriend Lacey and a friend, in 2012, was kidnapped, held for a night, and abused. She started a foundation for trafficking victims, which is great—but we question why she is going on a tv show and telling people to Google her house?! Janet is waiting for an apology, but Nia isn’t going to give one. Luke and Danny are assholes complaining about their postpartum wives not wanting to fuck them. It’s good this season!

Recs for next week: False Prophet and The Cult Behind the Killer (The Andrea Yeates story)

Layne Bair

Lead journalist at Shit Talk

Potty Training, Time Capsules and AK47’s Bus Route!